Can we stand in the light of our stories?
How can we truly own our voices?
It’s never been easier than it is today to share your opinion with the world. Everyone’s sharing their thoughts from what they eat daily, to what they’re reading, to heavier ideas about life, religion, politics, etc.
Sometimes I come to these opinion/thought-sharing spaces much like a person who can’t swim but stands at the shore watching everyone else splashing around in the water. It can sometimes look inviting, fun, and even refreshing. But I’m terrified of drowning. Sometimes, standing from this distance I can see the squids dancing around the swimmers’ legs, the sharks lurking in the background, and I choose instead to remain on the shore, my feet never quite making it to the water.
It’s too easy to say the wrong thing today. It’s too easy to be purposely misunderstood. And it’s so much easier to hide behind our phones, simply scrolling and scowling, but keeping our ideas to ourselves.
As I continue to find my sense of self, this has come up a lot for me. I’ve hidden most of my life. I’ve kept my mouth shut even when I knew I should’ve spoken up. Even today, I teeter between sharing my opinion and telling myself “No one really cares, either way.” And maybe this is where my problem lies.
Because even by telling myself “No one really cares,” I’m still abiding by what everyone else wants and pushing back my own needs or desires.
I’ve always said that writing was my first voice. My first real voice. A lot of my childhood memories come back to me soundless. Mute almost. I was vocal around close friends but with anyone outside of my circle of trust (and it was truly just a handful of people), I was dead silent. If asked a question, I would nod or shake my head. And if I had to use my voice, the softest peep would come out, with the shortest, monosyllabic reply I could muster.
I hated the sound of my voice in those moments, to be honest. Not its tenor or timbre, but just its existence. Not only because of the terror of saying the wrong thing but also because I could hear the lack of confidence in it. I could hear how fragile I sounded, how scared. If I’d been made of just my voice, anyone could’ve blown me away.
Recently, I made my first video for social media on which I recorded a voiceover. I spent an entire month agonizing over whether I would do it or not. The thing is, I really wanted to do it. But I was terrified. And yet, it was just a silly voiceover about a little book haul — people do this every day without giving it any thought whatsoever. Yet here I was tearing my hair out about it.
I worried about the sound of my voice. That some would find it annoying. Or childish. Small. Weak. Unpleasant. I worried (as I have for many, many years) that my accent would stand out and that some people would turn their noses up to it. I’m Latina, Spanish is my first language, but I grew up speaking English from the age of eight when my parents moved to the Caribbean. Though it’s not pronounced, I know it exists. I worried that people would think I was a fraud, offering editorial services when English isn’t my first language. I worried that they wouldn’t care to understand that, no, it isn’t my first language, but *it is* my dominant language, and I know what I’m doing when I’m writing and editing in English.
So how did I eventually manage to get past my worries and just do it? I tore the bandaid. I said “f*ck it, do it scared.” Because as someone who’s about to step foot into her forties next month, the idea that time is passing, that I’m not getting younger, and that I want my life to feel fulfilling when I come to the end of it is constantly pressing on me.
And because the only reason I hesitated to do it was because I was scared of what other people would think, However, slowly but surely, that idea is holding less and less water with me.
I stand up in front of a group of about thirty people, give or take, every week, at my writing group, and talk about what I’m working on. Sometimes there’s an ice breaker that prompts some of us to turn our answers into comedy — something yours truly can’t resist, even in front of a crowd.
But while I’ve made some progress, while I’m able to stand up in front of people and verbalize something noncommital and tangentially funny, I still hide so much of myself where it matters. I’m still afraid of being wrong. I’m afraid of upsetting someone with no more than my opinion.
To be honest, I stand very firm in my values. I know that if someone were to make an argument in favor of bigotry, I wouldn’t give them the time of day. I can’t be made to feel guilty for standing up for an oppressed minority or for ideals that I believe are in favor of the betterment of humanity.
It’s usually the other things. The things that say, “This is what I think, and it’s a reflection of me, but it doesn’t necessarily define who I am, but on the off-chance that you may be offended by my difference of opinion, I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.”
Such things include my opinion on books, music, movies which seem otherwise insignificant. And yet, you wouldn’t believe the vitriol I’ve previously received for having an opinion that differed on trivial topics from that of someone who identified with theirs. I’ve gotten to thinking about the many ways I still retreat into my shell when it’s time to share my ideas or unfavorable opinions on topics — my “unpopular opinions,” if you will — the way that it still feels like I’m hiding for fear that someone’s going to take offense based on past experiences. I’ve been too easy a target before.
I’ve begun to wonder what I’ll do or how I’ll react if someone doesn’t like a certain aspect of my novel. I’ve got a novel idea that deals deeply with suicide, and I hesitate to move forward with it for fear of the public’s reaction, that they may believe I’m glorifying suicide. With my current WIP, I’ve essentially redesigned the South American continent, and I can already place bets on the negative commentary that will come from that.
So I’m faced with a choice. Am I going to hide forever or am I going to step into the light and defend the things I believe in, my passions, my right to exist and create and use my imagination as I want with my god-given freewill?
The answer of course is the latter. Even as my body tries to warn me that it’ll be risky, I know that at this stage in my life, the former is not an option. So I’m going to have to do it scared. Like the voiceover for that reel I posted, I’m going to just have to take the plunge.
It is, of course, a slow, ongoing, process, this stripping away of my fear of being seen or heard. But it starts with a simple voiceover on a reel. As I keep pushing myself, my hope is that my confidence will avalanche me into a future where I don’t have to teeter or waver in speaking up for my beliefs anymore.
I’ve been playing around for years with the idea of starting a podcast. Before the pandemic, I almost did it. But then everything went belly up. And I know that everyone has a podcast now. And I know that there are hardly any original ideas that I could bring to my podcast. But I want to do it.
I want to talk about books and writing just as I do here. And if I do it for one reason alone, it’ll be just to practice using my voice. Not just the physical feeling of speaking to other people and hearing myself talk and pushing past the fear, but to actually practice being able to assertively trust my voice, to say what I think, to stick to my convictions, to believe in what I have to say and what I believe in regardless of who might not like it.
It’s hard to be one tiny voice in the crowd especially when the crowd is chanting something different. But if we don’t try, if we don’t go against the grain sometimes, how does change ever take place?
I know there’s more nuance to that idea, but ultimately, we are all worthy of having our voices heard.
I firmly believe in being seen. And I firmly believe in everyone’s right to tell their stories. If I believe this is true for everyone else, then it must be true for me, too. This month, I encourage you to believe this of yourself as well.
Editing sale!
This month and until October 31st I’m offering 15% off on the following editorial services:
- Developmental Editing
- Manuscript Critique
- Line Editing
- Line Editing & Copyediting Combo
- Copyediting
Your edit can happen any time between now and 2025, but you need to book before October 31st, 2024 to qualify for the discount!
Please remember that you’re only considered booked with me until you’ve signed the contract and the initial deposit has been paid!
If you’re interested, reach out to me via DM on Instagram or email me at maria@theintutivedesk.com for more information!
Consultation is free and payment plans are available!
Blog posts
What’s an Unreliable Narrator and How to Write One
Unreliable narrators can be fun to read about, but without some guidance, they can be tricky to write. In this blog post, I discuss some helpful tips to help you write an unreliable narrator effectively and poignantly!
What is Psychic Distance and How Can Writers Use It In Their Novels
Psychic distance is one of my favorite literary devices. It’s that lens with which you zoom in and out of a particular scene to really draw out the sort of emotional reaction you’re hoping for. Read on to learn about how to use psychic distance in your writing!
How to Effectively Write and Convey Emotion in Your Story
It isn’t too strong to say that writing emotion is imperative to creating a well-developed narrative. Emotion is why we come to books. We all seek that catharsis on some level when we pick up a book to read. But without the right tools, writers can often overcompensate by writing melodramatically or not showing enough emotion. This post is full of great tips you can call on to improve your emotion-writing skills!
Celebrating Latinx Writers During Latinx Heritage Month
From Sept. 15th to Oct. 15th we celebrate Latinx/Hispanic Heritage month! As a Latina, an aspiring author, and a self-employed editor, this month is particularly meaningful to me. Read on to learn about issues affecting Latinx authors today, how you can help, and a list of Latinx authors that you can pick up at your local library or favorite bookshop any time of year!
Tips for Writing in Third-Person Omniscient Point of View
Third-person omniscient is my preferred POV to write in. Usually, when a book is written in this POV, it becomes one of my favorites! In this post, I share with you some tips about how to effectively write from this POV.
What I’ve been into this month
I’ve had a pretty excellent reading month! My sister and I made it through To Sir Phillip, With Love by Julia Quinn which is the fifth installment of the Bridgerton series (aka Eloise’s book) and while that story turned out to be a trainwreck, it was fun ranting back and forth with my sister about it.
After that I read Circe by Madeline Miller. Her book The Song of Achilles stands among one of my top ten favorite books, and Circe, while not quite fulfilling me prose-motionally the way I’d hoped, was still an excellent read. It definitely satisfied me Greek Mythologically.
I’m also making my way through the audiobook Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey which talks about capitalism and how we’ve all been conditioned into this mentality of overproductiveness and why resting is actually an act of resistance. Great read if you’re someone, like me, who was brought up with this mentality of always needing to be productive, are exhausted, and you feel like you need to reclaim your time and life.
Currently, I’m reading Babel by R.F. Kuang, and though I’m only 100 pages in, I already know this is one of those books that’s going to stay with me for as long as I live. I’m taking my time with it because it’s also one of those books where it’ll take me another ten years to find something that moves me and touches me like this.
I’ve also been trying to learn how to read tarot. I’ve wanted to learn and understand it for a long time because I see it as such a great tool for self-reflection and self-exploration, but I’ve slacked off. My tarot cards are also not the traditional Rider-Waite ones, so I was having more difficulty than I should’ve trying to understand the symbolism drawn on a nontraditional card. But I’ve finally gotten myself a Rider-Waite set, and I’ve found Mystic Rainn who so generously has provided her audience with some really in-depth and instructive videos on how to read tarot for absolutely the price of some YouTube ads. If you, too, are looking to start your tarot journey, Mystic Rainn’s videos are a great place to start.
The next time I see you, we’ll be in the heart of fall, and I’ll be officially forty years old. I’ll have much to say on that, so stay tuned. Hope you have a lovely October!
Until next time,
Hi there, I’m Maria! I’m a freelance fiction editor assisting women writers in amplifying their voices through their writing. You can find me on Instagram @theintuitivedesk and on Pinterest. Or visit my site www. theintuitivedesk.com to find out more about editing services.