It's okay to dig our heels in sometimes

And why regret is the true enemy of life

Stubbornness is often looked at as something negative. A character trait, or an emotional response to be cut out of our personalities and thrown away, discarded, burned into extinction.

I’ve been called stubborn before, and I’ve known people who’ve been called stubborn as well, and these experiences have never been well-received. And it hurts. And it feels like someone is shining a light on some ugly part of us that we’d hoped would stay hidden.

But as someone who’s actually been a people-pleasing pushover for most of her life, who’s finally learning to stand her ground, the term “stubborn” is starting to lose its negative connotation. In fact, I feel I’ve begun to embrace it.

Like a villain origin story, here I sit, smiling through the flames as I enter my Terrible Forties and embrace the power of the word “No.”

*Cue overdramatic tenebrous music*

Ricardo Gomez Angel via Unsplash

Today I’m coming in defense of being stubborn. But let me be clear: the sort of stubbornness I’m talking about has to do with sticking to your convictions. Following a feeling or an intuition that strongly tells you to go a certain way. I’m in no way talking about or condoning the type of stubbornness like when your mother-in-law refuses to eat your casserole because hers is better. That’s just obstinate childishness, and I pray you all never have to encounter such a situation.

*Kendrick Lamar’s “Not Like Us” distantly plays*

But now that I’ve gotten that totally irrelevant disclaimer that has nothing to do with me or anyone I know out of the way, let me try to explain what I mean when I say we can and totally should dig our heels in from time to time.

The world is a scary place — we can all agree on that. And like Phoebe Waller-Bridge tells the priest in that confessional scene in Fleabag, sometimes we all wish we had someone to tell us what to do so we could stop feeling like we’re going through the world getting it wrong day after day after day.

There’s no feeling quite like the anxiety of making a decision and stepping into it fully. The follow-through can feel like taking steps in the dark, in a room you’ve never been in before. You don’t know where anything is, where or how to move, and you definitely don’t know how the end of this journey will look, but you suspect it could be disastrous.

Sometimes it feels like the better option is to consult everyone we know for their opinion. We make pro and con lists (which can totally come in handy, so don’t think I’m hating on these). We flip coins and pray that fate knows better than we do what it is we should do or what it is we want to do. We take surveys. Change our minds a thousand times. And agonize with every step of the way about whether we’ve made the right choice or not.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the story of the Zen farmer, but it comes to mind now as I ponder the probabilities of our choices being good or bad:

There once was an old Zen farmer. Every day, the farmer used his horse to help work his fields and keep his farm healthy.

But one day, the horse ran away. All the villagers came by and said, “We're so sorry to hear this. This is such bad luck.”

But the farmer responded, “Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?”

The villagers were confused, but decided to ignore him. A few weeks went by and then one afternoon, while the farmer was working outside, he looked up and saw his horse running toward him. But the horse was not alone. The horse was returning to him with a whole herd of horses. So now the farmer had 10 horses to help work his fields.

All the villagers came by to congratulate the farmer and said, “Wow! This is such good luck!”

But the farmer responded, “Good luck. Bad luck. Who knows?

A few weeks later, the farmer's son came over to visit and help his father work on the farm. While trying to tame one of the horses, the farmer’s son fell and broke his leg.

The villagers came by to commiserate and said, “How awful. This is such bad luck.”

Just as he did the first time, the farmer responded, “Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?”

A month later, the farmer’s son was still recovering. He wasn’t able to walk or do any manual labor to help his father around the farm.

A regiment of the army came marching through town conscripting every able-bodied young man to join them. When the regiment came to the farmer’s house and saw the young boy's broken leg, they marched past and left him where he lay.

Of course, all the villagers came by and said, “Amazing! This is such good luck. You're so fortunate.”

And you know the farmer’s response by now…

"Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?"

— The Story of the Zen Farmer via mindfulness.com

What if there’s no right or wrong choice? What if there’s just “choice” and the consequences that follow, none of which necessarily need to all be deemed good or bad?

Someone I know was recently strung up about a decision they had to make about acquiring a new pet. There were pros and cons on both sides of each choice and they said to me “What if I make the wrong decision?”

It struck me in that moment that maybe there’s no such thing as a wrong decision. There’s simply making a choice and adjusting to the new path and the new situations that life is now going to offer us.

Yes, getting a new dog will mean having to pick up poop on the regular, but it’s a small sacrifice for the hours of joy and fun that having a dog in your family can bring.

Likewise, not getting the dog would eliminate the chore of picking up poop. But you also give up said joy. And you’re likely to fill up your time in other ways, some of which could be joyful! It’s not wrong or right. It’s just a different path.

Maybe it comes down to what you’re willing to risk and how high on that tier is regret?

I personally feel the weight of regret acutely. I’m the kind of person who hopes reincarnation is real because there are so many shoes I’d like to try on and this one life is so limited as it is. Every moment I make a decision towards something, I’m giving up something else. My one regret about reincarnation would be not being able to remember every experience in every life, but that’s a discussion for another day.

Right now, I’m getting very close to finishing my first draft of my contemporary romance novel, and I’m finding the pressure mounting more than it has before: should I trad publish or should I self-publish?

Whenever I think I’ve made up my mind, immediately the thought creeps in “What if I’m making a mistake?”

There’s also the decision I took to finish my contemporary romance first instead of the historical romance which I consider my precious brain baby. Have I made a mistake there, too?

But if I eliminate the idea of right decision versus wrong decision (or like the story of the Zen farmer where he eliminates this idea of good luck versus bad luck) then all I’m left with is two nonbinary options. I can take only one path. But one thing I for sure can’t do is stay at this fork in the road and contemplate forever. That would be worse than not choosing. That, to me, would be worse than going down one path and finding that things weren’t perfect or ideal there.

Because the truth of it is, no path will ever be perfect or ideal. It’s just not how life works. There will be ups and there will be downs. All I can do is listen to what my quiet intuition is trying to tell me. Which path will take me through the down parts I’m most willing to endure? Down which path will the joy offered there be the most genuine and most heartfelt?

We’re not supposed to know what awaits us at the end of that path. Even if we knew, by the time we got there, that checkpoint would have evolved so much it wouldn’t look the way we imagined. We may not even feel about it the same way we did at first.

So why must we be stubborn? Because you have to make a choice and you need that choice to be yours and yours alone. And sometimes you already know what that choice is but the world is trying to dissuade you. Everyone will always try to convince you that they know what’s best for you.

And they may be right. Even so. When your heart is pulling you in a certain direction, go. Follow. Yes, the chance always remains that what you find there isn't for you. But then, once you do, you’ll know, it’s time to go a different way. But you won’t know until you do.

Living an individual human experience means that sometimes what works for some people simply doesn’t work for others. Sometimes we need to find out for ourselves. Even when all the signs are saying WRONG WAY, some of us need to know why this would be the wrong way. Maybe it’s not always the most efficient or least painful way of learning why something doesn’t work, but it sure leaves a lasting impression. One that we don’t quickly forget.

Also, I have less regret for the wrong paths I’ve stubbornly taken than for those I took when I let someone else dictate what I should do.

So if you’re feeling particularly determined (or you know, “stubborn”) about pursuing a certain idea, if your brain is on fire with the need to find out, I say follow that stubborn fire. The worst that can ever happen is you pursue it and figure out why that wasn’t the way you were supposed to go. There are no wrong answers in life. Everything is just experience, and sometimes with experience comes pain. It all comes down to how much of it you’re willing to encounter.

How much risk are you willing to take? How much regret are you willing to risk?

This month on the blog

What is a Series Bible and Why Do Writers Need One?

A Series Bible is a little-known tool that writers working on a book series should learn about. A series bible can seriously lessen the work and stress of working on several novels. Read this post to learn what exactly it is and how it can help you!

How to Write the Enemies-to-Lovers Trope

This is an old but beloved trope in romance novels. A well-written enemies-to-lovers story can be one that readers will never forget. Check out this post for some tips to help you ensure that you’re on the right track to make the most of your enemies-to-lovers story!

My new Substack publication

I’ve started a new publication right here on Substack! It’s called This Is What I’m Reading, and it’s a place where I go to rant and ramble about whatever book I’ve a barrage of thoughts on. For my first post, I wrote my real-time thoughts and ideas on James by Percival Everett. Check it out if this is something you’re into. Although, fair warning, the post is laden with spoilers, so if you’re hoping to avoid those, maybe come back after reading the book. That way we can match and compare notes!

What I’ve been into this month

As mentioned above, I started my new book blog Substack, and I decided to make my first post on James by Percival Everett. this is a Huckleberry Finn retelling and let me tell you, Everett swung it out of the park. Reading this book was such a perfect description of knowing when something was meant to be. Everett was the excellent writer for this novel and the timing could not have been more perfect. I just know Mark Twain would be giving his seal of approval if he could.

I also read I Was Anastasia by Ariel Lawhon which is a novel that tells the story of Anna Anderson, who in the 1920s claimed to be the lost Princess Anastasia Romanov. Due to my obsession with the Romanovs, I picked this up and was really excited for it, but I must admit the novel left me wanting. The timelines were hard to follow at first (though I do think the prospect of telling one story forward and one story backwards is kind of genius — I just don’t know if it was well-executed here). I also felt that the characters were a little flat and one-dimensional. In the end, it was a fine book though nothing to write home about.

I mentioned in my last newsletter that my friend Brittani and I were reading The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt for our book club. However, we both decided to DNF as neither of us was enjoying the narrative. The main character, Theo, annoyed me, but it was more so the deluge of never-ending detail unnecessarily stuffed into every line of every scene that I found exhausting to read. Will I ever try to pick it up again? I don’t know. But for the time being it’s not where my dopamine wants to go, so that’s pretty much the end of that.

I just started Annie Bot by Sierra Greer and I’m considering making my next post on This Is What I’m Reading about this. This book has been so triggering so far and I’m only three chapters in (the chapters are quite long). And yet, despite the triggering moments, I still find myself not being able to put it down. I’m going to need some delicious comeuppance at the end of this novel, or I can already foresee me flinging this book across the room.

I’m proud to say that I have arrived at chapter 20 of the first draft of my contemporary romance novel! According, to my outline, I have ten chapters left! So far in February, I’ve written over 8,000 words, and while that’s not as many as in January, it’s still quite a bit. I think I’m en route to finishing my first draft in early spring and honestly I could cry. More and more, I can see this happening for me, and I’m so excited to see it become a reality.

February was cold, but at least it was short and didn’t linger around the way January seemed to do. January felt like a punishment. As it is, it has already been deemed that the area where I live has received as much snow as back in 1981. I can honestly say, I’m over winter. I’m fully ready to start seeing flowers bloom and for sunlight to fill up the skies for just a little longer each day.

May your start to spring bring a little less madness and may it be filled with joy.

Until next time,

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Hi there, I’m Maria! I’m a freelance fiction editor assisting women writers in amplifying their voices through their writing. You can find me on Instagram @theintuitivedesk and on Pinterest. Or visit my site www. theintuitivedesk.com to find out more about editing services.