My intuition might be broken
And what I'm doing to reconnect to it
The topic of intuition has been coming up for me a lot in these past few months. It’s woven itself in and out of everyday life and conversations for at least the last half of 2023. In November, I read Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, which helped to intensify the topic and its presence in my life. After reading this book, I realized that the universe is clearly trying to send me a message, and it couldn’t be making it more obvious.
The message is that I need to get back in touch with my intuition. Once I paused long enough to acknowledge the persistence of this word in my life, I couldn’t help but feel at odds with it. Great. Intuition. The inner knowing. The voice of the higher being that serves as my compass for the paths I’m to follow in life. I knew what it was. In theory, sure. But how to actually go about exercising it left me at a complete loss.
“I think my intuition is broken,” is what I’ve said to a couple of my friends within the last month. In therapy, the subject of not being able to trust my judgment and the decisions I make for myself and my life has been slowly crescendo-ing over the last few weeks.
It’s no secret that I second-guess every single choice. That I need to feel like I’ve thoroughly researched all my options before making any decision. That I’ll often consult several people for their advice. That some part of me is secretly waiting for someone to come in and tell me what to do, to tell me how to get it right. (If you’ve ever watched Fleabag, then please recall the scene in the confessional and know that it brought me to the border of tears because it resonated so hard.) That, plainly put, I don’t trust myself. At all.
My intuition, my knowing, was broken a long time ago. We can go into the details of how, where, and why, but it would take too long. But due to circumstances—one controlling and tyrannical parent and a second who was also misguided—I grew up being constantly reprimanded and scolded for daring to think for myself. For having opinions. For asserting myself. Fear-mongering was my parents’ preferred technique of parenting. As such, my intuition got pushed back to make space for the voices of others.
Wandering through life like this can be pretty exhausting. But even more so, it’s invalidating. I’ve erased myself. I’ve existed simply as a placeholder for others, with my inner guidance stuffed into a box, unused and ignored, packed up neatly into a place where it stayed out of the way and disturbed no one.
What I’ve discovered, however, is that you can’t kill your intuition. It’s always there, waiting for you to call on it. Surprisingly, I knew where mine had gone, and where I had employed it all this time. I know the house it built for itself, the refuge it created so that it could continue to exist under less-than-perfect circumstances.
I’ve always said to people that writing was my voice when I couldn’t have one. I’ve been saying this consistently for years, but I don’t think it has actually registered fully in me until very recently. When I say that writing was my sanity for many years, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve never known who I was, how I should feel, how I should act—except for when I wrote. Writing gave me power. Even when I didn’t show anyone my writing (a choice I’m starting to think was NOT to my detriment as it allowed me to hone my voice in whatever way I wanted without any outside influence), I knew how to play with words. I knew how to tune in to their rhythm, to make songs out of them, to set the pictures in my mind free, to set unpronounceable emotions, trapped within my chest, free. Words were my escape. My secret self-expression. Words and my intuition became best friends.
This is why I edit now. Because along with all the technicalities we learn when learning to edit, there’s an intuition there for what makes a story flow best. My intuition knows when to give and when to take. It knows when something is off-balance. It can discern knicks in the narrative, minor issues that can be buffed out to create the most seamless experience for the reader.
But in my personal life? Outside of working with words? I’m working on it. I think the secret to honing your intuition is to be willing to make mistakes. I think that we all have this ingrained idea that mistakes are bad and should be avoided. Why? How else are we supposed to learn?
I have a theory that a writer who goes through edits, by their third novel, should likely be able to efficiently edit their novel themselves. Or, at the very least, take care of the biggest editing issues. Why? Because they’ve learned through the process of trial and error. Because they dared to write bravely. They dared to be cringe and corny and cheesy and nonsensical. With the help of their editor, they were able to see those areas that needed some reshaping and polishing. Their next go-round will be so much smoother than the first and each one after smoother still.
I think mistakes are nothing more than redirection. Like when you’re driving and orange cones suddenly line the path you thought you were going to take. You blindly trust whoever put them there, and you follow the detour. Mistakes aren’t the deplorable things we make them out to be, and I think that we need to begin reimagining and reframing the meaning and purpose of mistakes.
I’m getting back in touch with my intuition through my writing. I'm practicing tuning in to that feeling of trusting my inner voice while I write or edit. When encountered with a situation where I need to check in with my inner being, I take a step back and ask myself, “Does this decision make me feel like I do when I’m having a good writing session? Does it give me that sense of peace and assuredness that writing gives me?” If so, I know it’s my knowing. This is how I’m learning to regauge my inner compass. I have all the pieces now. I know how to find it, and I know that mistakes are not just allowed, they’re encouraged. Now, all that’s left is to practice.
Last bit of the January Gratitude challenge
So, I effed up last week. I was supposed to pop back in on Saturday and add my gratitude for that day, but I got so busy that I forgot to and the post went live thanks to the magic of scheduling. So I’ll be adding last Saturday’s to this week as I note the remainder of January’s gratitudes.
1/27- I’ve met so many wonderful people this past year and so many of them have become my friends. Ten years ago, things didn’t make sense, and I isolated myself because I just didn’t know how to cope. I’ve never properly fit in. But now that I'm daring to be more myself, I’m making such lovely connections. This alone makes me feel like the richest person in the world.
1/28- Unmasking. Stopping myself from acting how I think everyone else wants me to act has broadened my world. I wish I’d understood what this was, why I was doing it, and how to stop it much sooner, but better late than never.
1/29- Astrology.
1/30- That social media has made important psychological information accessible to people who otherwise never would’ve known or understood. No, social media cannot replace therapy. But it’s served as a gateway to understanding so many things that were out of our reach before.
1/31- Days of longer daylight.
This was a fun challenge. Practicing gratitude in and of itself gives me a dopamine rush. It’s an exercise of finding pockets of joy throughout my day and reminding myself that it’s the sum of many tiny things that make up what is otherwise an incredibly bountiful life. I actually hate this saying, but the challenge has helped me to realize I truly am #blessed, lol!
Rec of the week
If you’ve never watched Fleabag before, I implore you to do so. I can’t think of a more cohesive, substantial piece of work, with so many layers of emotion and humanity and artfulness. It’s a true masterpiece. This scene alone is one of the most meaningful that I’ve ever watched. The poignancy and honesty behind her words are universal. If you’ve never felt this way before, more power to you. But I think the majority of us have walked around feeling alone and confused at some point in our lives, hoping someone out there will take us by the hand and guide us. But the saddest and yet most empowering thing you can learn is that no one’s coming. It’s all up to you. You are your inner guidance, and as scary and lonely as that might sound, once you get the hang of it, it’s the most empowering experience you will ever have.
Hi there, I’m Maria! I’m a freelance fiction editor assisting women writers in amplifying their voices through their writing. You can find me on Instagram @theintuitivedesk. Or visit my site
www. theintuitivedesk.com to find out more.
I’m also a writer currently working on too many novels at the same time. You can read some of my past writings here.
The days of longer daylight!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! It’s a signal of renewal on the horizon. To which I say, AMEN!