Welcome to the season of the sticks
if you're not a fan of the holidays, this is for you
I’ve come to a point where I’m pushing forty now, and looking back, I can attest that I’ve enjoyed maybe less than a handful of Christmases in my life. I’m digging deep, but I’m only coming up with one memory where I can say, “That’s what I wish all Christmases were like.”
I didn’t have the happiest of childhoods. My holiday memories are plagued with arguments and fights, people yelling and/or crying, overstimulation from too many people if there was a party, music that was too loud, fireworks, and strangers whom I was forced to connect with because our DNA matched on some level. I even hold a memory of a Christmas spent in a car, on a lonely, quiet drive at night, but everyone was sad because that wasn’t “the way you should spend Christmas.”
After spending some time on social media and talking to friends and acquaintances, there seems to be a mutual feeling in the air. We’re all saying it, acting it out in one way or another…
Does anyone even like celebrating the holidays anymore?
I’ll admit, I like the aesthetics of the holiday season. I love the soft sun, the dark silhouette of trees against the sleepy blue skies. I love the powdery white snow, houses with their lit Christmas trees peeking through their windows, Christmas carols playing overhead in stores.
This year I’ve tried to enjoy the holiday season simply by the beauty that it brings. But there’s a nagging feeling that persists, that wishes for it all to be over quickly.
Deep down, as much as I try to be optimistic about it, the holiday season makes me unbearably sad and frustrated. My family’s far away, and I hate the pressure to have to perform in front of other people, to have to act like I’m having a great time. Like their presents and hours spent cooking a lavish meal can somehow fill up the hole that churns with loneliness every month of the year but stronger as soon as the end of October hits.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. I’m incredibly aware of how abundant my life is. But both things can be true at the same time. I can be grateful for what I have and still wish things were different.
But wishing things were different means I’m not truly accepting the moment as it is.
December is a month of false expectations. We’ve built it up to this unattainable level of performance. We must meet with family and friends. We must smile. We must afford presents. We must hit home runs with our present choices. We must decorate. We must listen to the carols. We must spend hours in a kitchen, with high-strung people, on what’s supposed to be a day of rest, until we can’t feel our feet or knees anymore. Why? For what reason? To prove that we’re doing it right? Because more and more persistently, it doesn’t feel that way.
We’ve built up this image of what Christmas is supposed to look like. We’re all twisting ourselves into impossible shapes to fit the mold. We’re all hopping on the spinning wheel without considering for a moment, is this really what we want?
These expectations stink of perfectionism. And in the last couple of years, I’ve worked my hardest to break away from the perfectionism I’d been conditioned into in my childhood. I’ve worked hard and have had great success in stopping myself from trying to match reality to the idealized image of what life should look like in my mind.
But this time of year gets to me, and I suddenly have this craving to hibernate and not come out of my cave until next spring.
Maybe it’s due to everything I’ve been learning in therapy, but the holidays feel like a charade. With every passing year, I find myself wishing more and more to break away from these perfectionist expectations and just do the season my own way.
Here’s what I’ve been wishing more predominantly this year as the days and hours tick closer to Christmas and New Year’s Eve: I want the chance to not have to show up. I want to be sad. I want to sink into my sadness, even with Christmas lights all around, and Christmas carols playing. I want to forget to get presents for some people or to fail at getting them something amazing without destroying a relationship. I want to reject invitations to celebrations without feeling guilty. I want to pop a frozen pizza in the oven on Christmas day and eat it quietly in front of the TV. I want my family on the phone, and I want to bawl to them about how much I miss them without the fear of ruining anyone’s day.
There’s so much pressure from the outside to show up, to do. And the older I get, the more appreciation I have for how precious time is and the less I want to have to bend and conform and pretend and fit into predetermined ideas and molds.
I don’t know if my holiday wishes are attainable. If they are, it may be that I’m not there yet. But in the meantime, I can remind myself that it’s okay to feel sad. That it’s okay to not want to smile. That I’m a human being with an expansive range of emotions, and sometimes I’m going to feel many of them at the same time and not always at the most opportune times. I can stop myself from apologizing when I know my energy isn’t up to par with the festivities and what we like to call “Christmas cheer.” I can stop apologizing when someone looks unhappy with their gift. I can stop feeling guilty if I need to step away from people and just be by myself for as long as I need.
And I can start imagining what I’d like my realistic holiday season to look like. A time where I can coexist with clashing emotions. Where I can make space for myself and not dissociate my days away. To accept what is.
Maybe, for some of us, the glimmer and light of the holidays will never reach past colorful baubles and string lights. But maybe, that’s alright. Maybe we just need to lean more into accepting that we’re more like the bare, gray trees of winter, surrounded by the cold, our leaves gone, with just enough sunlight to make it through the season.
Those gray, scraggly trees will wait, patiently, for spring. They understand that the brightest, most colorful seasons aren’t for everyone. After all, in the summer sun, a peace lily’s leaves will scorch. Those gray trees don’t fight the cold or the darker days. They know it’s okay to sit back and simply be a quiet observer. That there’s no need to be anything else than what you are today, right now, in this moment, even when we can’t ideally fit the aesthetic of the moment or the season.
Novel writing update
I’ve FINALLY worked out that complex, pivotal scene in my novel. And now that my business is on break for the holidays, I’m going full throttle into writing it.
It may not be the best version of the scene, but I’ve got something sturdy enough to work with. I’ll likely have to adjust it at some point, but I have the general direction of it going.
I’ve given myself the deadline of finishing the first draft before mid-2024 (maybe sooner). To be honest, I have a note on my corkboard that says I’ll finish the first draft of my novel before the end of 2023, and no, that didn’t happen. But to be fair, I spent the first half of the year working on a novel without my heart in it and only picked this WIP up in the late summer. Once I made up my mind, things have gone more smoothly, and I firmly believe this mid-year 2024 deadline is doable.
I can’t wait to print this draft out and start hacking away at it!
Music rec of the week
Despite my whining about the holidays, I do love holiday music. *But* not the modern songs (Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” is the only exception. Can we even still call that a modern song, though???) I love the old classics by Perry Como, Bing Crosby, and Eartha Kitt, among others.
However, recently I’ve discovered this new artist, Laufey, whose voice and singing style seem to have traveled back from the heart of the jazz and big band era. Her sound is so soulful and reminiscent of Ella Fitzgerald’s sound. The instant I heard her version of “The Christmas Waltz” I was in love. I’m tempted to play this and all her other songs to lull me into a peaceful sleep every single night for the rest of my life.
Hi there, I’m Maria! I’m a freelance fiction editor assisting women writers in amplifying their voices through their writing. You can find me on Instagram @theintuitivedesk. Or visit my site
www. theintuitivedesk.com to find out more.
I’m also a writer currently working on too many novels at the same time. You can read some of my past writings here.
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